The First Holiday Without Them: Grieving a Pet in a Time of Celebration

Grieving the loss of a pet can be especially difficult during the holiday season - give yourself permission to slow down. photo: AdobeStock

It’s that special time of year. A time when it seems everyone is happy, jolly, and full of holiday spirit(s).

But for those of us who’ve recently suffered the loss of a beloved pet, our world is radically different. Our pets are our family and experiencing the holidays for the first time without them is hard. But we can find ways to make it through this time of celebration even with that grief still fresh in our hearts. 

How to Survive the Season

One of the first things we can do to acknowledge our loss and its impact on our body and mind. Grief is hard work and it takes a tremendous amount of energy. This means that we may not have our normal energy level to devote to everything else in our lives, including the holidays. So give yourself permission to slow down and do less this season.

Take Frequent Breaks to Care for Yourself

The pressure of the season may be too much, especially if you’re newly grieving. Remember to pause throughout the day and check in with yourself to see how you're doing. Are you eating healthy foods? Drinking too much? How's your sleep? If things seem overwhelming, acknowledge that and take a break.

Plan Ahead

Sometimes the anxiety and worry about holidays and other special days is more burdensome than the day itself. Since you know it's going to be a hard day, make a plan for it. Have an activity in mind, special foods on hand, friends or family to visit, or whatever you personally need to take care of yourself. You know what you like and what makes you feel better. Write it down and then do it.

Take a Vacation

That's right - just get the heck out of Dodge for the holidays! It's an amazing experience if you have the means and a great way to skip the season entirely. Go on a vacation to the beach or another place that isn’t so intently focused on holiday cheer and where you’re not used to seeing your furry friend around every corner. You're an adult. You can put yourself first and do this without permission.

It's Okay to Be Happy and Joyful

After a loss, many people feel guilty when they finally start to feel better. Whether it’s due to the loss of a pet or a beloved human companion, such guilt is usually a fear of forgetting our loved one and moving on. Finding joy in an activity or being around friends and family doesn't mean that you're finished grieving or that you’ve forgotten your friend. It just means that in this moment you're joyful, and that’s okay. You can laugh and love and grieve all at the same time.

It's Okay to Be a Grinch

Not everyone has the wherewithal to deal with family and holiday traditions while they’re experiencing deep grief. Sometimes, you just have to take care of yourself. If that means isolating on Christmas, ordering takeout, putting on a good movie, and talking to zero people, so be it.

Some Activities To Get You Through

Hang Their Stockings Anyway

If you’ve always hung a stocking for your pet, it may be painful to see that stocking hanging beside yours, knowing that they won’t be here to receive any of your wonderful gifts. Consider instead keeping a notepad nearby and every time you see the stocking or have a happy or sad thought about your pet, write a short note to them, fold it, and put it in the stocking.

Talk About Them

Talk about your beloved pet, tell stories about them, and share pictures and videos if they're not too painful. This can be especially helpful if you’re worried about forgetting and moving on. I like to tell the story of the time my cat Henry jumped into the fully decorated Christmas tree, climbed all the way to the top, and then knocked the whole tree over - water bowl, angel, and everything - all over the presents and electrical cords. It’s a great story that I tell in dramatic detail every year, and it helps keep Henry with me. 

Create New Traditions

The fear of change is inherent to all humans, especially if that change is sudden and unwanted. That goes for traditions, too. But it’s okay to modify and create new family traditions. Maybe you start a tradition of donating to an animal-related cause in your pet’s memory or you create a new ornament with their image to hang on your holiday tree. New traditions may feel a bit sad now but trust that you’ll grow into them. 

Give Back 

The holidays are a season of giving, so why not give of yourself? Even in deep grief, it feels good to help another. Consider volunteering at an animal shelter over the holidays to give employees a break or doing something kind for another person or pet in honor of the one you’ve lost. Giving back releases those feel-good chemicals in our brains and reminds us that there is still good in this world. 

Finally, whether you’ve lost a beloved pet or a dear human companion this year, know that you are not alone. Listen to your heart and find ways to take care of yourself this holiday season. I promise next year will be easier.