Grief and Gratitude: Sharing Stories at the End of Life

Dogs’  unwavering loyalty and our unique bond with them transcends words.  image: AdobeStock AI

When I think of gratitude, I immediately think of our animal companions. They bring richness to our lives, filling our days with joy, laughter, and unconditional love. Their unwavering loyalty and our unique bond with them transcends words. And when they come to the end of their lives - always too soon - it is this gratitude that helps us get through our grief.

As an in-home euthanasia veterinarian, I’ve had the privilege of meeting countless beloved dogs and cats on their deathbeds. But deciding when it is time to assist our animal companions in death through euthanasia is one of the most difficult and emotional decisions we will ever face. Studies show that most of us hope for a natural death for our beloved pets. We wonder why they can't just pass away peacefully in their sleep with a painless ending. 

Death itself is not usually painful; it is often the illness that creates pain and discomfort. In nature, our sick or elderly dogs and cats might leave home to find a cool, dark spot in the forest or fields where they can die alone. But in our modern world, where our animal companions live with us in our homes, it is our responsibility to ensure they are able to die a dignified and pain-free death.

Anticipating the loss of our beloved pets may cloud our thinking. We find ourselves questioning. Am I playing God? Is my decision too early? Or am I too late? While veterinarians generally offer guidance, sometimes we might push our animals too far with treatments at the end. We may hold on to them for our own needs. I've observed that clients who have waited too long with a previous pet  realize the next time that choosing euthanasia a day or week early is better than an agonizing day too late.

I know what that’s like. While I have been able to plan home euthanasia for many of my own dogs and cats, I waited too long with Teva, my Terrier. Despite her declining condition with chronic kidney disease, I wanted more time with her. She was nearly 17 years old or roughly a century in human years (my Bay Woof aging of a dog article). She was beautiful as an aging lady. 

But one Thanksgiving at my mother's, we noticed Teva was not sitting next to the dining table barking for treats but was instead hiding in the back bedroom - unusual behavior for my food-loving dog. I brought her home, and that night she went into respiratory distress. We rushed her to the ER, only to learn she had gone into heart failure. Teva collapsed in the exam room, and we had to euthanize her in that moment away from home. I could not allow her to spend her last days in a cold steel cage alone on oxygen and tubes, hoping for a chance she might survive a few more days or weeks. 

This experience was stressful for Teva, my husband, and me, as well as for the veterinary staff. Reflecting now, I wish I had been less selfish and able to plan for a peaceful home euthanasia before her body started to shut down. At least we were able to release her spirit in a respectful way before more suffering occurred, but it was far from ideal.

When I provide a home euthanasia for a client’s animal companion, I know that this appointment is a privilege. I meet my clients and their animal companions in their own homes, beds, or gardens. Sometimes, the owners have created a bucket list for their pets, allowing them to enjoy special treats like an In-N-Out burger, ice cream, or even a piece of chocolate on their last day. Some people organize going-away parties, while others take their pets to their favorite parks or beaches.

I usually spend some time with my clients asking about the life stories of their beloved pets. How did they first meet? What are their nicknames? What were they like as a puppy or kitten? What makes them happy or sad? What life lessons have they taught you? Have you traveled together? If so, where? What Halloween costumes did they wear? What stories about them make you laugh?  Did they ever get lost? What would your friends and family say about them? If they could talk, what would they say about their life with you?

But the most powerful question is, what are you most grateful for? Often I hear about the lessons their pets have taught them: patience, unconditional love, living in the moment, the power of touch, community building, and more. Sometimes, just remembering them stealing the turkey or a piece of cake off the table brings a smile. It’s this gratitude that gets us through the grief.

Sharing, listening, and remembering life stories can empower us, especially in difficult times. It gives us the opportunity to reminisce about a lifetime filled with antics and smiles, helping us appreciate how providing a good ending is just as important as cherishing the positive moments. This reflection can offer a sense of closure and appreciation for the time we had with our loved ones.

I find that my clients are often grateful for the opportunity to talk about their pets, sometimes noting that no one has ever asked them about these stories before. They frequently laugh and express gratitude for the chance to reflect during this emotional time. 

Pet loss and the accompanying grief are incredibly difficult emotions to process. For many, our pets may have been companions during the COVID-19 pandemic, surrogate children, sources of comfort, or our last connection to nature. While providing a dignified ending can be emotionally challenging, it is the least we can do to thank them for a lifetime of love and companionship. 

We will miss them and must go through the stages of loss. But grief is the price we pay for love and for that we are grateful.

Grief Companion Workshop

For those interested in learning how to care for friends and family experiencing loss, my mentor and friend, Francesca Arnoldy, and I are hosting a workshop titled "How to Become a Grief Companion." This day-long event will be held on November 17 at the new Muttville campus in San Francisco. Our workshop will address loss, focusing on both humans and animal companions, and covering the following topics:

• How to offer compassionate emotional support and practical assistance to those who are grieving any type of loss.

• Applicable theories and models to understand and normalize the grief journey.

• A focus on the loss of both animal and human companions.

• Deathbed storytelling techniques and crafting obituaries.

This workshop is not a support group per se but rather a way to empower all of us to support, with gratitude, our beloved humans and animal companions. It is designed for anyone - including members of the veterinary and medical communities and animal guardians of all types - who wish to offer more empathetic support to friends, family, and themselves during times of loss.

For more information, please visit the event page, or learn more about the co-hosts here.

I hope you’ll consider joining us.